a blank

Life's tough. Life's unfair. Life's a roller coaster.

Live with it.

month

Goodbye May.

You've been too long. Too tiring. Too volatile.
You've given me hope only to crush it underfoot.

I wish I could crush and throw you into the fire.


It rained today. Outside and within my deepest recesses.




Hello June.

Please be kind.

wishful thinking

Quote:
A habit of mankind to entrust to careless hope what they long for, and to use sovereign reason to thrust aside what they do not desire.

Form:
I want P to be true.
Therefore, P is true.


I don't know whether to laugh or throw up.

ps 73

Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.

But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.
They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills.
Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.

From their callous hearts comes iniquity;
the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.
They scoff, and speak with malice;
in their arrogance they threaten oppression.
Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.
Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance.
They say, "How can God know?
Does the Most High have knowledge?"
This is what the wicked are like—
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning.
If I had said, "I will speak thus,"
I would have betrayed your children.
When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me
till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.
How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!
As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise,
O Lord, you will despise them as fantasies.
When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge.
I will tell of all your deeds.

a new day has come

It's a new day and it feels as though the 'Reset' button has just been hit and we've booted up on a brand new operating system. It's familiar ground, yet also terra nova. Newer versions are usually known to be better than their predecessors. Let's just hope the bugs have been fixed!

On a somewhat related note, I missed out on my usual nap on the train this morning because I couldn't get a seat. But that gave me the opportunity to catch a glorious sunrise as the train journeyed on from PJ towards KL. The sky was bathed of brilliant hues of orange, gold and violet. Cirrus clouds danced in graceful swirls. The rays of the rising sun slowly pierced through the darkness like knives pointing out in all directions. Mesmerising.

And to top it off, I saw a rainbow while walking from the train station to my office building. Nice.

Reminders of Your grace. Reminders of a God who loves. A God who redeems.



It's a new day.
And the day is B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L.

messy

Twisted, mangled, convoluted thoughts.
Fumbling over slippery stones.
Spilling hesitant words.

Seeking to always seek the good of the other.
Seeking to temper truth with grace.
Seeking to forgive and forget.
Seeking to love.

I'm still holding on.
Not wanting this chapter to slip away into history like the rest.

traveling at 2 km/h

You uttered those words as we were walking together to the LRT station this morning. Words that made me reminisce a little and smile. These were more or less the same words spoken by me to you several months back, and they were now coming back like a boomerang in full 180-degree turn to hit me. This time, I was on the receiving end.
 
“It sometimes takes a situation like this to force us to slow down and appreciate the things around us” [paraphrased]
 
It sometimes takes a sudden jolt to make us realise that we sometimes run such hectic routines. We get so caught up running our races that we forget to take time out to smell the roses.
 
The last couple of days since Tuesday really forced me to slowwwww down, like it or not.
 
I was immobile - No car. One good leg. I was pretty much rendered a dependent.
 
But despite the various inconveniences that I was subjected to, I am really truly thankful for the whole experience. I am thankful for friends who graciously fetched me around from place to place; who checked on me to see how I was doing; who brought me to see the tit-dar man to fix my leg; who offered to tapau food for me; who opened their houses to me to stay; who lent a supporting shoulder when I needed one and who even carried me over puddles of water when my leg was all bandaged up. Above all, I am thankful to God for enriching me with the experience. It was tough looking for the silver lining within the overhanging clouds but today I can say that the experience has allowed me to enjoy even more of Your blessings.
 
So thank you…and thank You.

keep on walking

Here’s a rather random thought to punctuate the silence on this blog:

It takes a certain something in a relationship for its boundaries to be tested and stretched close to their limits, and yet come out of it only stronger than ever before. I guess I should know better after all that the paths that we take are never meant to be all rosy anyway. It’s up to us to deal with the thorns and briars that come our way and to decide then whether to let them stop our journey, or hack them to total oblivion (in a rather graphic depiction of conflict resolution) so we can keep on walking down that path.
 
Keep on walking.

quote

"We're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"

on the first day of CNY, I blogged

Yes, I guess I am guilty of neglecting this space for quite awhile already. There's so much to do sometimes that blogging normally gets relegated to the back of my list of priorities of things to do.

Over the last month or so...

- I busied myself with Christmas rehearsals, and then Christmas
- I had the most awesome 12 straight days of leave, taking each day one at a time, cooking up spontaneous plans and not worrying about having to catch the LRT for work at 6.45 am the next day
- I got to know you better than ever before
- I welcomed you back into my life
- I said goodbye to you and wished I had spent more time with you while you were around
- I will soon say goodbye to you
- I got told unbelievably weird pieces of information that made my eyes open wide like saucers
- I re-discovered bowling
- I went for Youth Camp 2008 at easily our most cushy camp venue
- I now see Bros water bottles in a different light because of you...heh

----- 2008 turned into 2009 -----

- I went to Genting for the umpteenth time while it was your virgin encounter...still we both really had a blast that day!
- I made my 3rd trip to Jogoya and brought you and you along as well for a great afternoon together
- I suffered through super-spicy Portuguese grilled fish during my 2nd foodie trip to Petaling St with you, you and you...yum!
- I had an unexpected night 'chillaxing' at Sky Bar for the first time with you (x7)
- I aim to keep eating and working out regularly with the numbers 70 as my set target by year-end
- I finally got my 50 mm f/1.8
- I am still looking for a good price for my SB900
- I had my fair share of emo moments (who doesn't?)
- I got roped in as a RBS mission team supervisor
- I discovered an addictive game called Gunbound, and together with you, we remain an unbeaten team!
- I have been more consciously affirming my primary love languages
- I went for yet another movie premiere...this time for Underworld 3
- I received my 'letter' and was not unexpectedly indifferent

It's almost the end of the first day of CNY now. Time to go wash up and hit the sack soon. I've gotta wake up early for breakfast tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it.

So there. I blogged =)

welcome back

Ok, so I'm back in Malaysia. After having a roaring good time in the Lion City, I have to admit that it's a more bitter than sweet feeling to be back because honestly, I didn't really feel like coming back. But I'm sure that's just post-holiday blues rhetoric.

My first journey on the LRT this morning after coming back wasn't so great though. I was early and I managed to get a seat. Seated on my right was an elderly-looking man who was reading a book. Nothing eventful, nothing significant, and so I flipped out my BlackBerry and pretty much kept to myself as the train went on its towards KL.

It was early in the morning and feeling a little chilly on the train, I felt some moisture building up in my nostrils. So I let out a small "sniff" to ease myself of any potential embarassing "leakage". It was then that I thought I saw Mr Book look to the left.

I didn't get to really clear my nose properly and so about a minute later, I let out another small "sniff", thinking nothing much of it. Mr Book looked to the left again and suddenly I heard the words, "Can you stop it?" W-WHAAT? "I'm sorry?", I asked, feeling puzzled and half-wondering if he was talking to himself (after faithfully taking the train for over 6 years, you see all kinds of people).

"Can you stop it?", he snapped again. Quickly analysing the awkwardness of the situation, I soon surmised that my little sniffles must have irritated cranky Mr Book somewhat. I had half a mind to give him a piece of my mind, but decided against making a scene on the train. And so I just gave him a weird look and said, "Okayyyy..."

But as I thought about it, what are two tiny sniffles amid dozens of other more audible sounds on the train?

i'm heading down South

Traffic is crawling all around Jalan Sungai Besi as I type this. It's the typical Friday evening jam in KL and I'm seated by the window in a Plusliner bus next to Richard. We notice that the bus is new and clean, has that 'new' smell even, and that's something to be really thankful for after some of the unpleasant experiences that I've had with long-haul buses.

I just tried my hand at Sudoku (difficult level) for the first time but stopped because my head was starting to spin. After a full day at work, I think my brain very well deserves a break; a break that I'm looking forward to over the next couple of days.

I'm heading down South. Hello Singapore!

a splash of happy

They're rare, and they even more rarely get THIS good. I'm not even going to start assuming I deserve this.

By Your grace, HAPPY times! =)

i bite

In case you haven't realised this, I have seen through you. And please don't think this is some revelation that only came to me recently. While I have come to realise of your scheming ways some time back, there's also this thing called "grace" which we sometimes choose to extend to the undeserving. Unfortunately, over the weeks and months, you have gradually lowered yourself down the social ladder from being "mildly irritating" to being erm... "close to pathetic". Your childish attention-seeking antics shout out that you are in desperate need of a PR total makeover.

Why hide behind a veneer of fake smiles and compliments when your actions betray your thoughts? Your incongruency is far too apparent, glaring even. So stop being a hypocrite, and stop taking me for a fool. In the words of John Mayer, "say what you need to say" and say it to ME, rather than going around passing remarks and spreading gossip. C'mon, surely I don't have to tell you that you do?

If you ever do read this, I really pray that you would just pause to ponder for a moment. I don't like mincing my words and hence they may come across as sharp and offensive. But do think. Please do. And I hope that the eyes of your heart would be opened to see the truth of your ways. How besides hurting others, you have also hurt yourself along the way.

brain fix

The happenings of the last couple of hours was pure therapy.

I mean, really.

Sure, it didn't involve me lying down on a recliner and answering questions posed by a shrink. As a matter of fact, there I was - on a half-court in church...running, catching, throwing, and for the first time in 7-8 years. But the most unusual of settings can sometimes prove to be the grounds for some real breakthroughs. And tonight was one of those.

It was as much a physical exercise as it was a mental one. Let me just say that the ball was certainly not the only thing on my mind as my brain went through a spin cycle at a thousand revolutions a minute.

And I endured it. I fought it. I lasted it. Why, I even forgot about it! I-conquered.

I'm glad you dragged me along.

I'm glad I went.

in celebration of today

Life is fragile and uncertain at its best. But right now, I'm just basking in its light. And it's all because of You.

Forget fragility. Forget uncertainty. I'm gonna choose to simply revel in the moment.

Take it all in.

ups and downs

It's been hard maintaining the discipline of regular blogging with so many things seeming to scream out for our attention. A random thought: if my blog were my girlfriend, I think she would have left me a long time ago! Heh.

Today I reminisce over a month gone by: a month that has had its fair share of ups and downs - the joy in seeing relationships blossom and flourish, the agony of hurtful words exchanged, the thankfulness experienced in renewed friendships, the excitement of an awesome holiday abroad with good friends, the sadness associated with saying goodbye - all of which have left indelible spots in my memory.

Indeed I have been reminded yet again that nothing in life is certain. There may be times we soar above the heights, but we can never escape the periods we may have to wallow in the pits. (Sounds so emo. Haha.)

Our sojourn on this earth is never a straight road (actually, that would be rather 'boring', wouldn't it?). A chronic choleric like me at his best would only be able to formulate plans with utmost precision, but ultimately it is the Lord who decrees our direction and fate.

Humbling it is as I think these thoughts on an early Thursday morning.

that thing called LOVE

I'm learning that the adage that "those whom you love the most, stand to hurt you the most" rings pretty true.

After all, isn't it true that in loving others, most of us do expect to be loved back?

...that we quietly harbour hopes that our acts of generosity and kindness would be reciprocated by their recipients?

...that when we loosen our guard and reveal more of our hidden selves that we wish the ones so priviledged to be given our trust would perhaps do likewise?

Isn't it true that perhaps the deepest, most primal ache of our hearts...is to love and to be loved back in return?

With these thoughts, I read the Bible's 'Love Chapter', 1 Corinthians 13 again tonight. And I was reminded once again, but at a much more personal level that...

...love is not jealous
...love does not seek its own
...love does not take into account a wrong suffered
...love bears all things
...love believes all things
...love endures all things
...love never fails

Man, do we so easily stray from these ideals of what love should be, henceforth causing so much heartbreak to ourselves and those that we love! We heap all kinds of expectations on others just as they probably do towards us!

While I believe we should strive towards the love 'standards' of 1 Cor 13, in realising that we (including our loved ones who would inevitably disappoint us from time to time) will never fully attain these standards until Kingdom come, let us look onward to Christ Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of love; the One who selflessly loved us with an unfailing love that endured even the cross with its scorn and shame...

A love that will remain steadfast through the ages.

Amen.

meditations from the psalms

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Saviour and my God.

- Psalm 42:12

no brainer

I had a really good time tonight =)

There is something uniquely appealing about playing ridiculous arcade games that don't require one to put in much brain sense. All is required is a simple wave of a hand, frantic twists, turns and whacks on two awkwardly-shaped joysticks, a passion for trigger-happy bliss, strength to sustain (and inflict) body shoves from (to) your opponent, and a fist ready for a punching bag.

I reckon it was the panacea that I needed this week.

Let's do it again! Haha!